Pastors and Their Friends

At the risk of being self-serving, I want to commend an article recently posted by ByFaith magazine, written by Walter Henegar, titled Your Pastor Needs Pastor Friends. I recommend it not only for those who are part of the congregation I serve, but also to all who regularly read this blog, as well as to those who have just stumbled upon it. Most if not all of you are part of some church; and if part of a church you most likely have a pastor. What this article does is offer a peek behind the curtain into the life of your pastor.

Getting a glimpse into someone’s life can be somewhat like looking into the closets and junk drawers of any family home – it does not usually offer the prettiest picture. It may not be shocking, it may not be scandalous, but it contains some things that might be preferred not to be put out for public display. This is certainly true if you have the relatively rare opportunity to look behind the scenes into the “real” lives of most church pastors.

In recent months I have participated in a number of gatherings with fellow ministers. What I have heard and seen is evidence of what has been widely reported, especially in the wake of the havoc COVID has wreaked in many churches: Pastors are tired. Pastors are burning out. Pastors are breaking. Many pastors have already walked away; many others are seriously considering throwing in the towel. I am not one of them. Not today, anyway. But I understand. I have been there. I have had such seasons – and likely I will again. It’s just not where I am today. Some of those who are on the brink, or who have already walked away, are far wiser, gentler, and godlier than I am. So it breaks my heart to see them so deeply wounded. And I know it breaks the hearts of many in the pews when it is their pastor who breaks. “If only we knew…”

I do not know Walter Henegar (though I do know his Dad). But I appreciate Walter’s transparency in this article because it offers an opportunity for many godly people to know how to care for and pray for those whom God has raised up to be shepherds for their souls. (Hebrews 13.17)

READ: Your Pastor Needs Pastor Friends

6 Ways Ministry Spouses Get Hurt By the Church

Endangered Pawn

Researcher Thom Rainer identifies Six Ways Ministry Spouses Get Hurt.  I have listed them below, slightly reworded:

  • Complaints About Their Minister-Spouses
  • Complaints About the Children
  • Unreasonable Expectations About Ministry Involvement
  • Gossip & Murmering
  • Isolation
  • Attacking the (non-Staff) Spouse to Get Desired Results

Every non-staff church leader should be aware of these. Every church member should be aware of these.  They are very real.  I have experienced all of these in one form or another, in one church or another.  I see these happen to friends serving other churches.  While I am fortunate that all of my children, now grown or in college, have not only continued in their faith journeys but have actually increased ministry involvement, such patterns of behavior are common contributors to the high numbers of ministry children leaving the church, if not also the faith.  The behaviors Rainer identifies are often devastating to ministry families.

For those serving in churches where you are experiencing some of these abuses, perhaps causing you concern for your spouse and children, I will share the counsel I received from a godly older minister during a time when our experience was most acute.  I was told: “If you don’t let it crush you, it won’t crush them (the children).  Don’t share details (with your children) – they likely already know.  But do talk with them, be honest about it, and make sure they understand that those in the church are also broken and sinful, just like those outside the church.”  Our children learned this lesson; they consequently have a pretty good grasp of Total Depravity and Luther’s concept of simul iustus et peccator (Simultaneously Just and Sinner) -even if they don’t necessarily know the term. But because they understand that even as believers – as those “credited” as “righteous” – we are all still infected by our own selfishness and sin, they have a greater appreciation of why we all are in need of Jesus’ redeeming grace.   Though the blood of Christ was shed “once for all”, bringing forgiveness, we all have an ongoing need for the blood of Christ to continually cleanse us from our sin.  Though shed “once for all”, a one-time shot of Jesus’ blood is not all there is.

I encourage you, whether on church staff or a church member, click the link above to read Rainer’s descriptions.  One important thing to note, Rainer does not limit this behavior against only the Pastor’s family; it happens, at one time or another, to almost all ministry families.  Check your own church to see if (where) this is happening. Then step up, and step in where necessary.

5 Things Church Members Wish Pastors Knew

Germoe Cathedral Impressionism (Slimm)

Anyone who has ever served on a ministry staff for any measurable amount of time knows the twin realities of the incredible joys and the exhausting difficulties.  Perhaps this tension is part of the reason why there is such large drop out rate among pastors and other ministry leaders in the American Evangleical Church.  Ministry is a tremendous privilege, to be allowed to be with people at both their best times and their worst, but it carries with it inevitable frustrations and hurt feelings, which frequently seems to lead to burnout, exhaustion, and isolation.

Part of the problem may be the disconnect between what those in pastoral ministry do, and what those in the congregation assume – and want – their ministers to do.   Just like some of the memes of various professions that one may see on Facebook or some other social medium suggests, there is often a difference.  Misconceptions easily become a source of tension.

Recently I re-read an article by Jason Boyett that I find helpful, reminding me to look at things from the other side: 5 Things Church Members Wish Pastors Knew.  it reminded me of one of Stephen Covey assertions from 7 Habits of Highly Effective People:”seek first to understand, then to be understood”. While I may desperately want to be “understood”, I have little to no control about what people may understand about me.  But I do have the ability to try to see things from the other side; to understand why people may not appreciate the same things I do, or agree with all that I may believe and say.

So, for my fellow ministry leaders, here are Boyett’s five assertions:

  1. Who you are reflects upon your membership. Churches reflect the character of its most visible pastors and ministers. “It’s not always fair,” one church member told me, “but people associate churches with the pastor.
  1. Churchgoers have lives (and ministries) outside of church. “I don’t eat and breathe this church,” a parishioner said.
  1. They value excellence but not showiness. Everyone makes mistakes. Every speaker, worship leader, or musician can have a bad day on-stage. Church members realize this, but at the same time appreciate good preparation.
  1. They want to be led…with honesty. Stories abound of churches that embarked on an exciting new vision only to backtrack a few weeks into it for a variety of reasons — too few volunteers, lack of funds, complaints from prominent church members, or some other kink.
  1. Sometimes, it looks like you have it easy. Anne Jackson, the author of Mad Church Disease and a former church staffer, once blogged about the perception — which she felt was well earned — that church staffers can be lazy. The post’s comment section should be required reading for pastors and ministers across the board.

To read more

 

Ministry Diagnosis Questions

Country Doctor

As a pastor it is not only requisite to be a student of God’s Word, but it is also essential to be a student of the people to whom I preach and teach.  This is true for any church or ministry leader.  If we do not know the Bible, and sound doctrine, we have nothing to offer. But even if we have voluminous knowledge, if we do not know the people with whom we are called to share these truths, then we will not know how to apply these truths.  It would be as ineffective as a medic possessing all the medicines but without enough biological understanding to make a valid diagnosis.

In a recent post, 9 Questions for Ministry Leaders, Paul Tripp identifies nine helpful questions to ask ourselves, and to discuss with the other leaders in our churches or ministries, as we attempt to become effective students and exegetes of our people:

  1. What are the cultural idols that are particularly attractive to my people?
  2. Where do they tend to buy into an unbiblical worldview with its accompanying hopes and dreams?
  3. Are there themes of spiritual struggle that I need to speak to?
  4. Where do they tend to get discouraged and need the hope of the gospel?
  5. What is the level of their biblical literacy and theological knowledge?
  6. How many of them are actively involved in service, and how many are “ecclesiastical consumers”?
  7. What do they tend to struggle with in the workplace?
  8. What do they wrestle with at home?
  9. What are they reading, watching, and listening to, and how are they influenced by it?

The Secret Love Life of the Passionate Pastor

In this wonderfully encouraging and clarifying article Michael Milton describes the perils and joys of pastoral ministry.  Most succinctly Mike explores the three loves above all others that the true Christ-like pastor must have:

  • Love for God
  • Love for God’s Word
  • Love for God’s People

Amazingly, no mention is made about the 3 B’s most contemporary pastors are pressured by –  buildings, budgets, or butts in pews. These are constant pressures for pastors, whether these pressures come from others or the pressure is self imposed.  No doubt there is a place for these 3 B’s, but they cannot be the “first loves”, the  primary objects of our affection.

And while Mike’s piece is a wonderful reminder for we who labor as physicians of the soul, the benefit of these truths  are not limited to the “professionals”.  Mike describes what should be valued in your pastor, and characteristics that can be shared by others who long to be Christ-like servants.

To read Mike’s article, click: The Secret Love Life of the Passionate Pastor

Mistakes

Steve Childers is Founder and President of Global Church Advancement. He is also professor of Practical Theology at Reformed Theological Seminary-Orlando.  In a former life Steve was an effective pastor and church planter.  A  number of years ago I had the privilege of taking a doctoral class in church planting under Steve’s tutelage.  I have appreciated him ever since.

Now Steve has done us the favor of, not only sharing his great insights about ministry and church planting but, chronicling his biggest ministry mistakes.  These mistakes are obviously beneficial for fellow pastors to aviod.  But I think that these short, insightful confessions can also profit others in church leadership, be it those holding official office or those with unofficial influence. In fact, some of Steve’s insights translate to the values we hold that shape our lives and congregations.

In no particular order:

  1. Failure to Understand the Importance of How I Define Ministry Success
  2. Managing My Time and NOT Managing My Life
  3. Not Understanding the Difference Between My Goals and My Desires
  4. Not Understanding the Difference Between Pursuing the Grace of God and the God of Grace
  5. Failure to Understand the Way Up is the Way Down
  6. Failure to Understand the Priority of People Over Programs
  7. Not Understanding Product Living vs. Process Living
  8. Failure to Initiate Supportive Relationships

Right People, Right Direction

There are two common maxims offered to pastors when entering a new ministry.  Both are wise and true. But they are mutually exlusive:

  • “Don’t change anything in the first year.”
  • “If you don’t change anything in the first year, you will never be able to change anything later.”

One way to resolve the tension is to realize that not all churches are the same. And not all churches are in the same condition when a pastor, or others, assumes leadership. Therefore wisdom dictates applying the proper suggestion to the present state of the church. 

For instance,

The first established church I pastored was a total mess.  The church had existed for nearly 50 years, and had fired every pastor. The longest tenure, prior to my arrival, had been 5 years.  Presbytery was sick and tired of the church’s shenanigans, and threatened to remove them from the denomination if they persisted.  The church averaged about 25 people on Sunday morning, and had only two children under age 18.  Obviously change was needed. Equally obvious was that change needed to happen immediately.

The second church I pastored had enjoyed solid numerical growth in the years prior to my arrival. Much of this growth was not healthy, however, but that was not particularly apparent to most people.  There were a lot of good things going on, but still areas that needed attention and revision.  Wisdom would have been to learn the landscape and go slower with initial changes.

The present church I pastor, Walnut Hill Church, was in many ways healthy when I came on board.  My predecessor had enjoyed 16 years of relatively effective ministry, and the Interim Pastor between us was (and is) a gem. The church leadership had come to a conclusion that this church, while in many ways good, was not functioning on all cylinders, and therefore needed to take the opportunity afforded by a transition to reevaluate the ministry.  Change is needed, and even desired, but what is the best approach: quick or slow?

Change is always needed. My college football coach, Johnny Majors, frequently reminded us that we never stay the same. Each day we either get better or we decline.  And, at least in this way, what is true of football teams, and athletes, is also true of churches and organizations. 

But one of the problems resulting from change, perhaps especially in a church, is disenfranchisement.  People have invested themselves in a church long before changes are even on the radar. In fact, people are often part of a particular church, even with it’s warts and weaknesses, because they like that church the way it is. When change starts taking place, whether systematic or unintentional, fear often accompanies it.  And fear keeps whispering in the ear: Am I sure I will still like this place if it changes?   

This is an important dynamic working against change, and against leaders who bring change.  And the problem is enhanced when the leader is focused more on bringing the change, and the anticipated positive results, than they are on the people in the church.  Not only is this recipe un-pastoral, it is ultimately ineffective.

I am not suggesting that the leader is responsible to appease all the people.  That is not possible – and it is not our job.  I am suggesting that sometime, as pastors, we have been so exhorted by the experts and the know-it-all books to make necessary changes for the sake of the ultimate “potential” good, that we may lose perspective.  We are anxious for success but forget what our success really looks like.

While it is true that to lead any necessary change, to chart any specific vision, risks losing some people, I wonder what place among our priorities  Jesus’ instruction to “count the cost” holds. I wonder if we tally everything up correctly, or if sometimes we cook our books like ENRON did – counting only the gains, ignoring the losses. 

The fact is sometimes some people need to go. This is especially true in an unhealthy church. (How else did it become unhealthy unless the stakeholders allowed it to become unhealthy and unfaithful?)   This is a sometimes painful reality. (At other times it is really not so painful. It may even feel blissful. But, as pastors, we’re not supposed to say that.) The questions are: How many losses are necessary? How many are appropriate? How many could have been averted, yet still allow the church to be faithful to the new (or renewed) vision and purpose? 

Tomorrow I plan to post the insights of leadership expert, John Kotter, about the stages of effective change. That post will apply Kotter’s insights to the mission of bringing appropriate, and necessary, change to the local church; and the ways pastors and churches  commonly act unwisely. Chief among them is moving too quickly to implement a new vision. But that will be for tomorrow.  At present, however, I want to ask the question: How many people might we keep if we were wiser about the change process?  What if we  moved a little slower, in cases that allow for it?  Of course, we will never know the real answer. But one thing I am convinced of: More harm than good is done in many churches because of unwise implementation of change.

In a post last week I introduced the following quote by Jim Collins, from his best-selling book Good to Great

The executives who ignited the transformations from good to great did not first figure out where to drive the bus and then get people to take it there. No, they first got the right people on the bus (and the wrong people off the bus) and then figured out where to drive it. They said, in essence, “Look, I don’t really know where we should take this bus. But I know this much: If we get the right people on the bus, the right people in the right seats, and the wrong people off the bus, then we’ll figure out how to take it someplace great.

I am convinced what Collins observed should be an important element for consideration in the early stages of all church vision and mission planning.  Clearly his approach does not eliminate the loss of some – maybe even many – people. But his approach does guard against the loss of good people who avoidably become disenfranchised due to  premature implementation of new direction. 

One last observation. Collins is not stating that the leader does not have any idea about where he/she might like to take the “bus”.  He is saying that the effective leader places a priority on the right people, and does not see himself as the sole navigator.  I suspect that the effective leader may well have a good idea of where the bus should go, but in genuine humility he is willing to consider the God-given insights of others.  What Collins is suggesting, as applied to the church, is that we lead to where God would have us go, and be less concerned about whether the destination is primarily according to the leader’s preconceived atlas.

Pastors Near Pastures

The following words, along with Francis Schaeffer’s No Little People, were helpful to me when last year we accpted the opportunity to return to East Tennessee rather than pursue opportunities with churches in larger cities:

“Few men have the courage to seek obscurity for the sake of its advantages, but there can be no doubt of the intellectual advantages of a quiet country charge. When I hear men complain of the lack of stimulus in a rural parish, or find them longing to preach to audiences more cultivated and worthy of their talents, I feel disposed to think that the poor quality of their intellectual fabrics is due not so much to lack of proper appliances, but rather to a dearth of raw material. Many a man will tell you that he owes all that he afterward became, to the circumstance that, under God, he enjoyed the quiet rural solitude, and had opportunity of uninterupted thought and reading.”

– Francis Patton, in his biography of A.A. Hodge